The Dark Side of Nothing

My Life as it spills out onto the screen.

Why I Started This Blog

Do you know why I started this blog, no of course you don’t because I haven’t told you yet. You see this should have been my first posting but I was so mad a furious that I couldn’t really form my diatribe into something that I could type out on this page. Oh how I wish my iListen program was working correctly. It would make this so much easier, then again maybe not as I remember how shitty a job it did for me. I need to retrain it. Anyway, I formed this blog because I wanted to truly wanted to help out with the youth groups at my church. Either the Junior or Senior High kids, it didn’t really matter. One I wanted to help because they needed help, a lot of help and Two because I felt that if another church member can out and said he or she was gay or lesbian I felt it would be a youth member before another adult member. Well things were humming along until the pastor asked me if I had told the youth pastor about me being gay. “Oh, no”, I thought, I knew things were going too good to be true. He mentioned that if I didn’t say anything that he would have to mention it. So I ask if me being gay would have any ramifications as to be helping out with the kids. You see I had set myself up for a hard fall with out even thinking about it. Here I thought our “Real Life” (the name of the church) might actually be ok with someone being gay as long as the kids were aware of it. Like, “Hey, I’m gay but that is only a small part of my life and that really isn’t anyone business unless you want it to be. But that will not effect my being able to teach you and from us learning about the bible together.” What the fuck was I thinking of!!?? As soon as I mentioned to the youth pastor that I was gay, he said he didn’t know that and that we needed to meet and talk things over about me helping out. This happen on our big get together night for both Junior and Senior kids. Here I am saying I might be one of there leaders, knowing that I will not be one of the team leaders.

  So off to the meeting at the coffee shop. Three guess and the first two don’t count as to what I was told. Yeah, congratulations, I was told that I couldn’t be a team leader or a leader of anything for that matter because, you know, that your gay. Oh yes and that I might say something good about being gay. My what could I say that is good about being shit on all the time by the church you trust. If I was asked, I wasn’t going to lie, but I would tell them what to expect and that it is not a bed of roses and it’s not like that , “I Kissed a Girl” song either. That it is tough and that you will be discriminated against by your own church and by people you thought that you could love and trust. I’ve  saw it and felt it first hand at the last church I was at. This church we push how REAL we are at REAL LIFE! But unfortunately real church leaks through when one takes the bible literal and thinks its inerrant when it really is NEITHER!! I had a lovely meeting with the youth pastor and church pastor. I started to hear the same shit, but this time with a different spin and a smile!! I hate to say but I tuned them out when my sexuality was equated with alcoholism, Type A personality and other thing that are to be quelled and controlled. Oh Gee, are you going to QUELL and CONTROL your sexuality?!?! No, of course not because you can get married and enjoy the 1136 rights that a married couple are entitled to via state and federal laws. You can reproduce until you have some many children you are wondering how to feed them all. But when some same-sex couples suggest that they too would like to get married all hell break loose. You can keep your fucking word MARRIAGE, because all it houses is a 50% chance that your “sanctimonious” marriage, performed by Elvis at the Drive-Thru wedding chapel in Las Vegas, is going to end in DIVORCE!! I’ll take union or joining or something else and you can stick marriage where the sun doesn’t shine!! For the longest time people like to throw out how we are such sluts and do nothing but run around and get laid (wish I was that way, HA). We all know people like this but that isn’t the point. The point is here we have couples that WANT to say together. That there are people how have possibly been together for several years or several decades. But mention that you want to get married and the shit hits the fan! I’ve gotten off topic but this is another one that chaffs my britches! Do you know that both sides of the Prop 8 have spent a combined total of over 50 MILLION dollars toward the NO/YES on the stupid marriage amendment. Plus GOD only knows how many man/women hours wasted, YES WASTED on this piece of shit amendment (and Arizona is that far behind with it’s stupid Prop 102). SAVE MARRIAGE, is the cry from the Yes’ers. Save Marriage, what a fucking joke, as 50% of all marriages end in divorce. Plus they have ads talking about how kids with a mom and dad do better than kids with just one parent, HUH?! You have to have two people to get married. They must mean that a kid with two moms or two dads is going to get into all this trouble because the other sex isn’t in the picture. What the hell do they know, we might have Mrs/Mr Butch and  Mrs/Mr Feminine or they might both be butch or feminine but I bet they have lots of friends that will fill in the role of mom/dad or what ever. Those fucking arrogant sons of bitches, all they spew is BULLSHIT, FEAR AND HATE!!! Just Google Prop 8 or Prop 102 and read some of the CRAP they have put out. Damn, they could take that 50 million and put it to some good use elsewhere. Maybe even classes on how to work through your problems when married so at the first sign of trouble you don’t jump on the divorce ship and sail off to the “I took the easy way out” island. 

  Alright, back to my original topic of basically being told that as long as I proclaim I’m gay I will never be a team leader. But hey we are NOT judging you. Oh, of course your not. Well at least I didn’t get to hear the 7 or so verses and the pastors interpretation of those scriptures like I had to go through at my last church when I said I wanted to join so that I could voice my opinion as to the fate of the $26,000 that belonged to us. That was a real joy. But this really wasn’t any better, because it was the same theme, sugar coated with a smile. They both lead to  nowhere, limbo in a church that I really like. 

  Yes, why don’t I go to a gay church where I can serve openly and with out hassle. Well because those churches are in Phoenix and with out a car it makes getting to them a very long 3 hour bus ride, one way. We will attend them in due time. But currently I enjoyed my “No on 102 Again…” signs and button that I wore during our one year celebration last Sunday. Some people actually asked me about them and a friend and I got into a conversation about why it would be bad if Gays and Lesbian got married. It was enjoyable as I heard that churches would be forced to marry people that they didn’t want to. I would be against that, I don’t want anyone to force a church to marry my man and I. if that ever come about. I don’t want your hate clouding my happy day. I’ll find a church that does want to marry. Then I heard how people would be force to do thing they didn’t want to do, HUH? Oh, the New Mexico Christian that got sued for discrimination (This is a big Christian based site, not that we are all bad, but just a warning on the slant of the article about the suit: I’ve read alot of sites and the current New Mexico Human Rights Act. This is something that she should have know as she was advertising a goods and service that fell under the Act. I found it interesting that the letter that didn’t mention a same-sex wedding she was all gung-ho to do it but the letter that did mention it was a flat out denial. If it were I, I would have probably sent back a harshly worded letter about I wasn’t hiring her religion to take the pictures I was hiring her. What she should have done if she didn’t want to do the pictures was subcontracted it out to someone else, had them take the pictures and then give her all the pictures and negatives and she would have been a few hundred richer instead of $7000 poorer.   

  You see, everyone assumes that you are heterosexual until you tell them other wise. I could have never spoke with the pastor about me being gay and never mention it to the youth pastor. I could have been yet another in the closet Christian. If I had did that, then most likely I would be a team leader right now with one of the youth groups! But because I don’t want to be a closet gay Christian, I wanted no secrets and I wanted to see the position of the pastor. Which after our meeting I felt was saying that he still followed the usual bible path until someone shows him differently. In other words he was open to dialog about how these text maybe interpreted wrong. That is what I’m currently working on. How to present a case of how these 6/7 texts are interpreted wrong. 

  I’m off to bed, I lied, I’m off to play a little World of Warcraft. This is the bad thing of working out late. Either it helps you sleep or it keeps me awake. This was more inspiration from the bathroom. <G>



October 31, 2008 - Posted by | Bible, Church, Gay, General, Religion, World of Warcraft | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,


  1. […] juancarlosnavanava wrote an interesting post today on […]

    Pingback by Why I Started This Blog | jdTVu | October 31, 2008 | Reply

  2. Well, suffice to say you got me all riled up, which is easy to do. Because I agree with you. JESUS CHRIST WHY IS GAY MARRIAGE SUCH A BIG DEAL?! My aunt is gay, and she fell in love with a woman she met in France. They lived in the US together for as long as they could, my aunt’s partner going to university in order to have some sort of a visa. But they cannot marry, and so now they had to move to Canada, after a grueling three-year process of seeing if it was possible. They had to start their whole lives over because some stupid people think that marriage should be between a man and a woman. WHY?! I will never understand the rational. I will also never understand why we even have to focus on this issue when we could so easily let same-sex couples marry and then move on to take care of other fucked up issues like HEALTH CARE.
    Sorry for the rant, but hey, what do you expect when you write a rousing post about issues like these? :P.

    Comment by slightlyignorant | October 31, 2008 | Reply

  3. Aw Peter, DAMN. I know how you feel man! I’m a youth leader in church. Guiding a bunch of 13 year olds and I don’t think I can ever tell them that I’m gay. I often think about what will happen if they knew. Or what if the leadership knows? OMG.I think I’ll be asked to leave the group or maybe even leave church! I really want to be honest with them, but I don’t want my honesty to force me to leave them. Dilemma isn’t it? Life sucks for people who are gay. Life sucks for people who are gay AND christian:(

    Anyway, I chose not to occupy my head with such depressing thoughts. Takes up too much valuable space there. So you too take it easy yea? Hahaha, I’m sure one day you’ll get to Phoenix! Hahahaa.


    Comment by confessionsofaclosetcase | November 1, 2008 | Reply

  4. Hello Peter,

    Sorry to reply so late, got caught up with different things over the last week.

    I feel bad that you have to deal with such drama with the church. I honestly think that some religious socities have turned into something that is so far from its original philosophy that it’s no longer good for the human kinds.

    Hope you are feeling better.



    Comment by Sorata | November 3, 2008 | Reply

  5. Hey Peter! C’mon, update please! Or are you too busy cause you found a new job:)


    Comment by confessionsofaclosetcase | November 11, 2008 | Reply

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