The Dark Side of Nothing

My Life as it spills out onto the screen.

Pills, Pills and more Pills and how I hate them – Part One

  But even though I hate them, they are keeping me alive, or have helped keep me alive. I’m HIV+, you would know that because you have at least half a brain and have noticed my small “About” on the right side of the screen which after the word “Gay” reads “HIV+” . So after you read those two words combined, if your still here you deserve a kiss today <KISS> (that works for both sexes)(though if your really cute and male you can get that kiss elsewhere). Ok, dredging mind out of the gutter and back on topic to finish this posting.

  I found out I was HIV+ someday back in June 1994, 2 weeks after I found out my partner was also HIV+. I was in his hospital room with his parents and the stupid docs were huddled in the corner near the door talking loudly amongst themselves and not at us about what they were going to say to us when they came out of their huddle. I being closer to them hear HIV (Well when you work with HIV folks, At that day and age hearing a doctor mention HIV and your ass was sick in the hospital, it meant you had HIV) All I could first think of was, “Did his parents here that?” (Hell they were talking so loud the person next door might have heard it!) When I glanced over their eyes were as big as saucers, oh they heard it alright. Then the next thing that floated into my thoughts was, “Hmmm, perhaps I need to go get tested because of more that a few times the condom broke and wasn’t replaced or the never made it on. Caution was thrown to the way side and Yes, I knew better, hell we both knew better. But you never think your going to get it, especially when your younger. I didn’t keep up getting my 3 month testing and I didn’t take him with me. So much we could have done different, oh well, the past is just that PAST! There isn’t a damn thing we can do to change it or fix it, just perhaps try not let it repeat again. Somehow my church didn’t understand that when I said I wanted to talk to the Jr High & High School groups about me being HIV+ and how I hoped through my story no one in those groups would make the same mistake. They thought I wanted to pass out condoms, I sighed and restrained myself verbally. I said no I just want to tell my story, then I was asked if I would have to mention that I was gay. I said I suppose I could leave it out but I think when I go and mention my partner and how HE was in the hospital most of them would put 2 and 2 together and get GAY out of it. Irritated was creeping into my voice. My idea was shot down. But I’m a stubborn person and I’ll keep asking every few months. Because while it may not keep them from using a condom, if I can get just ONE of them to hesitate (Boy or Girl) and think back to that gay guy, what’s his name, in the wheelchair talking about how I can get HIV, STD’s or worst pregnant (boy’s it’s becoming the Baby daddy at 14, 15, 16 or God forbid sooner) and either not have sex or whip out that condom. Then I’d feel it wasn’t all in vain.

  Wow, I got off topic. But I knew when I went to go have the test done that I was HIV+. So after 2 weeks had past I took a nice chocolate cream filled donut from Duncan Donut (you know those powder sugar covered ones Nom Nom <drool>) with me. I left it on the seat of the car because I knew it would be a quick trip. I really had a fight hard when they got all serious and ushered me into the “private” room and the person came in all sad face telling me how sorry they were to tell me I was HIV+, hell I knew that 2 weeks ago. I was just like, “I see, really, wow”. then I asked if the free clinic was still available as I need to see where my CD4 count was at as I think I had been HIV+ for several month. That test came out at a little above 600, which still sucked. Hell I’d give my left nut for half that count today!! I think it slow went in the toilet about a year and a half to two years after that. I then started on AZT, this was after they figure out that huge amounts of the shit was bad for your body. It was a failed chemotherapy drug. What part of Chemotherapy didn’t the doctors understand. It didn’t really bother me, then added was 3TC, which give me splitting headaches until you got used to it. Then they put both pills into one and I started taking just that. Then I found out my doctor was a moron and I quit going to her. Then I switched jobs, said I felt wonderful and that I wasn’t going to take anything anymore. Boy was I stupid.

  Here I am 40 mins of my bad rambling writing and I’m not anywhere close to being done. I hate to do this but I’m going to make this a two parter. I’m just getting started on my nightmare of pills. So before I fall asleep in my chair because I’m trying to get my posting done. I’m going to call it a night and go to bed. I hope I will type out part 2 tomorrow. But it’s payday and I’m horny ad you can tell from previous post that means I might be trying to go to Phoenix to visit my special friends <Grin>! I will try my damnedest to get this written before hand.


October 3, 2008 - Posted by | Church, Friends, Gay, General, Health, HIV+, Hospital, Humor, Pills | , , , , ,


  1. Yay, I get a kiss :).
    Pills suck, of any sort. My father was on chemo for a long time and I saw how horrible it made him feel. I can only imagine the hell you have to go through with your pills.
    Still, if you’re still HIV+ and don’t have actual AIDS yet then the pills are doing their job and they’re worth it, right?

    Comment by slightlyignorant | October 3, 2008 | Reply

  2. Well if I go by CD4 counts (146 as of August) alone, then I fall in the AIDS category. About 7 years ago, I was walking towards deaths door because being a guy we wait until the last moment to go to the hospital when one’s health is going into the toilet. My partner was the same way, I kept trying and trying to get his ass to the doctor, “No, I’m fine.” or “We can’t afford it.” Fuck, it was the university hospital, they work everyday with people who can’t pay. But oh no, until he sat up one night and say, “I can bearly breath, maybe we should go to the hospital.” Grrrr But I was the same way – my female roommate yanked me up when I was staring off into space and took a few minutes to realize she was talking LOUDLY at me. She was like, “Get you coat on we are going to the emergency room NOW!”
    But my CD4 percentages have been high even when the number was lower and my viral load has been undetectable to 40/50 copies for many years now. So yes, the pills are doing the job of allowing the count to rise and keeping the virus a bay.
    Thanks for the comment. Will try to write part 2 tonight but may have to wait a few days. I’m going to Phoenix again..hehehe. 🙂

    Comment by pnehem | October 4, 2008 | Reply

  3. […] Another interesting blog is The Dark Side Of Nothing. It’s written by a Gay Guy who happens to be HIV+. Again, I don’t know what it is like to be in his shoes. No matter what, he seems to be taking things well. This is one of the reasons why I love the Internet. I see all kinds of people – people whom I probably wouldn’t see or hear about in here.  The Dark Side of Nothing is quite  humourous. I like it. It teaches me things – like the ridiculous amount of pills HIV+ people have to take and all the shit they have to go through. […]

    Pingback by It’s a GAY Life! « Safe In A Crazy World | October 15, 2008 | Reply

  4. “They thought I wanted to pass out condoms, I sighed and restrained myself verbally.”

    Well some folks can be that way. In my country, HIV subject is still taboo to discuss openly.

    But some folks do appreciate it. Like me. Learn from each other’s experience for the better.

    So I salute you! Salutes.

    Comment by JJ | October 20, 2008 | Reply

  5. Btw don’t change the size of your photo. I think it fits really nicely with the blog’s layout. Love the smile.

    Comment by JJ | October 20, 2008 | Reply

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