Why I Started This Blog

Do you know why I started this blog, no of course you don’t because I haven’t told you yet. You see this should have been my first posting but I was so mad a furious that I couldn’t really form my diatribe into something that I could type out on this page. Oh how I wish my iListen program was working correctly. It would make this so much easier, then again maybe not as I remember how shitty a job it did for me. I need to retrain it. Anyway, I formed this blog because I wanted to truly wanted to help out with the youth groups at my church. Either the Junior or Senior High kids, it didn’t really matter. One I wanted to help because they needed help, a lot of help and Two because I felt that if another church member can out and said he or she was gay or lesbian I felt it would be a youth member before another adult member. Well things were humming along until the pastor asked me if I had told the youth pastor about me being gay. “Oh, no”, I thought, I knew things were going too good to be true. He mentioned that if I didn’t say anything that he would have to mention it. So I ask if me being gay would have any ramifications as to be helping out with the kids. You see I had set myself up for a hard fall with out even thinking about it. Here I thought our “Real Life” (the name of the church) might actually be ok with someone being gay as long as the kids were aware of it. Like, “Hey, I’m gay but that is only a small part of my life and that really isn’t anyone business unless you want it to be. But that will not effect my being able to teach you and from us learning about the bible together.” What the fuck was I thinking of!!?? As soon as I mentioned to the youth pastor that I was gay, he said he didn’t know that and that we needed to meet and talk things over about me helping out. This happen on our big get together night for both Junior and Senior kids. Here I am saying I might be one of there leaders, knowing that I will not be one of the team leaders.

  So off to the meeting at the coffee shop. Three guess and the first two don’t count as to what I was told. Yeah, congratulations, I was told that I couldn’t be a team leader or a leader of anything for that matter because, you know, that your gay. Oh yes and that I might say something good about being gay. My what could I say that is good about being shit on all the time by the church you trust. If I was asked, I wasn’t going to lie, but I would tell them what to expect and that it is not a bed of roses and it’s not like that , “I Kissed a Girl” song either. That it is tough and that you will be discriminated against by your own church and by people you thought that you could love and trust. I’ve  saw it and felt it first hand at the last church I was at. This church we push how REAL we are at REAL LIFE! But unfortunately real church leaks through when one takes the bible literal and thinks its inerrant when it really is NEITHER!! I had a lovely meeting with the youth pastor and church pastor. I started to hear the same shit, but this time with a different spin and a smile!! I hate to say but I tuned them out when my sexuality was equated with alcoholism, Type A personality and other thing that are to be quelled and controlled. Oh Gee, are you going to QUELL and CONTROL your sexuality?!?! No, of course not because you can get married and enjoy the 1136 rights that a married couple are entitled to via state and federal laws. You can reproduce until you have some many children you are wondering how to feed them all. But when some same-sex couples suggest that they too would like to get married all hell break loose. You can keep your fucking word MARRIAGE, because all it houses is a 50% chance that your “sanctimonious” marriage, performed by Elvis at the Drive-Thru wedding chapel in Las Vegas, is going to end in DIVORCE!! I’ll take union or joining or something else and you can stick marriage where the sun doesn’t shine!! For the longest time people like to throw out how we are such sluts and do nothing but run around and get laid (wish I was that way, HA). We all know people like this but that isn’t the point. The point is here we have couples that WANT to say together. That there are people how have possibly been together for several years or several decades. But mention that you want to get married and the shit hits the fan! I’ve gotten off topic but this is another one that chaffs my britches! Do you know that both sides of the Prop 8 have spent a combined total of over 50 MILLION dollars toward the NO/YES on the stupid marriage amendment. Plus GOD only knows how many man/women hours wasted, YES WASTED on this piece of shit amendment (and Arizona is that far behind with it’s stupid Prop 102). SAVE MARRIAGE, is the cry from the Yes’ers. Save Marriage, what a fucking joke, as 50% of all marriages end in divorce. Plus they have ads talking about how kids with a mom and dad do better than kids with just one parent, HUH?! You have to have two people to get married. They must mean that a kid with two moms or two dads is going to get into all this trouble because the other sex isn’t in the picture. What the hell do they know, we might have Mrs/Mr Butch and  Mrs/Mr Feminine or they might both be butch or feminine but I bet they have lots of friends that will fill in the role of mom/dad or what ever. Those fucking arrogant sons of bitches, all they spew is BULLSHIT, FEAR AND HATE!!! Just Google Prop 8 or Prop 102 and read some of the CRAP they have put out. Damn, they could take that 50 million and put it to some good use elsewhere. Maybe even classes on how to work through your problems when married so at the first sign of trouble you don’t jump on the divorce ship and sail off to the “I took the easy way out” island. 

  Alright, back to my original topic of basically being told that as long as I proclaim I’m gay I will never be a team leader. But hey we are NOT judging you. Oh, of course your not. Well at least I didn’t get to hear the 7 or so verses and the pastors interpretation of those scriptures like I had to go through at my last church when I said I wanted to join so that I could voice my opinion as to the fate of the $26,000 that belonged to us. That was a real joy. But this really wasn’t any better, because it was the same theme, sugar coated with a smile. They both lead to  nowhere, limbo in a church that I really like. 

  Yes, why don’t I go to a gay church where I can serve openly and with out hassle. Well because those churches are in Phoenix and with out a car it makes getting to them a very long 3 hour bus ride, one way. We will attend them in due time. But currently I enjoyed my “No on 102 Again…” www.votenoprop102.com signs and button that I wore during our one year celebration last Sunday. Some people actually asked me about them and a friend and I got into a conversation about why it would be bad if Gays and Lesbian got married. It was enjoyable as I heard that churches would be forced to marry people that they didn’t want to. I would be against that, I don’t want anyone to force a church to marry my man and I. if that ever come about. I don’t want your hate clouding my happy day. I’ll find a church that does want to marry. Then I heard how people would be force to do thing they didn’t want to do, HUH? Oh, the New Mexico Christian that got sued for discrimination (This is a big Christian based site, not that we are all bad, but just a warning on the slant of the article about the suit: http://www.cbn.com/CBNnews/357084.aspx) I’ve read alot of sites and the current New Mexico Human Rights Act. This is something that she should have know as she was advertising a goods and service that fell under the Act. I found it interesting that the letter that didn’t mention a same-sex wedding she was all gung-ho to do it but the letter that did mention it was a flat out denial. If it were I, I would have probably sent back a harshly worded letter about I wasn’t hiring her religion to take the pictures I was hiring her. What she should have done if she didn’t want to do the pictures was subcontracted it out to someone else, had them take the pictures and then give her all the pictures and negatives and she would have been a few hundred richer instead of $7000 poorer.   

  You see, everyone assumes that you are heterosexual until you tell them other wise. I could have never spoke with the pastor about me being gay and never mention it to the youth pastor. I could have been yet another in the closet Christian. If I had did that, then most likely I would be a team leader right now with one of the youth groups! But because I don’t want to be a closet gay Christian, I wanted no secrets and I wanted to see the position of the pastor. Which after our meeting I felt was saying that he still followed the usual bible path until someone shows him differently. In other words he was open to dialog about how these text maybe interpreted wrong. That is what I’m currently working on. How to present a case of how these 6/7 texts are interpreted wrong. 

  I’m off to bed, I lied, I’m off to play a little World of Warcraft. This is the bad thing of working out late. Either it helps you sleep or it keeps me awake. This was more inspiration from the bathroom. <G>

  IF YOU LIVE IN CALIFORNIA OR ARIZONA, PLEASE VOTE NO ON PROP 8 OR PROP 102!!! THANKS

Knowledge is Power

I was working on Part 2 of Pills, Pills and More Pills when the urge to use the restroom came upon me. I only mention this unsavory tidbit because I have started reading another book by what is becoming one of my favorite writers, John Shelby Spong (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_Shelby_Spong). Just before bed I’ve been read his book entitled “Rescuing the Bible from Fundamentalism, A Bishop Rethinks the Meaning of Scripture” (1991). But when I go sit on the pot, I picked up one of his other books because I couldn’t find the afore mentioned book. It was in my backpack and I forgot it was there. Just like how I’ve had these checked out from the library. One of these days I’ll have to return them or I’ll end up buying them like I did the DVD movie that I checked out and promptly forgot I had. Anyway the new book is entitled “The Sins of Scripture, Exposing the Bible’s Texts of Hate to Reveal the God of Love” (2005). I had started to read a few of the chapters and have since gone back to read from the beginning of the book. He points out his background and how he loves the bible, has been reading and studying it for maybe 50+ years, it doesn’t really say. But he strongly points out that his intention is not to destroy the bible. Both of these books I will be adding to my ever growing library.

  But what dawned on me as I was taking a shower is that a book can give someone knowledge. It became clear why some people wanted certain books burned. Those books on the assorted lists give common folk, unlearned, poor, etc. access to ideas that they themselves may not have come up with. They give us new ways of looking at things, new ideas, new theories, etc. To me it seems the people in control didn’t want the people they were over to know these things and tried/try their best to dissuade people from reading certain books. I went to bible college for 1 semester. I attended Southwestern Assemblies of God College in Waxahachie, TX (http://sagu.edu/home/). Now it called Southwestern Assemblies of God University. My major was going to be ‘Biblical Studies’ because I really wanted to know what the bible said in several of the passages. I wanted to go beyond the written text on the pages, back to the original language! When I did that more doors were opened up and I made discoveries that most church going folks don’t even know about. I must admit I’m in awe of how big it has gotten. I was trying to see how big the student body is now. When I went we had bearly 500 total students. The last time I had looked at the site I found where they were close to 2000 and growing. I thought I was drawn there for one reason but I was actually drawn there to meet one of my best friends and to guide him/show him that it’s ok to be gay and a Christian. He was struggling with this the same as I was. You see this was during the period where I was trying to “pray myself straight”! It didn’t work and it will never work regardless of those that say they have changed. Oh so your were really Bi, I’m happy for you that your married with kids. I have always wanted to ask what they were thinking about when they had sex (this is directed toward those who say they have gone straight). I heard this passionate story about a guy who had supposedly worked himself straight, yeah with constant (read all the time) bible reading, prayer and supervision (he lived with his parents so that they could help him overcome being gay). Not to be critical, but several items popped into my head after he spoke; I forgot to mention that he was going around to school promoting that being gay was bad and that you could change. Sure if you call being celibate changed!?! He said he was still working on his attraction to women. I wanted to shout, give it up now, you are just going to feel like human trash when in a few years you drift back to the bookstores, etc. I should know as I’ve been there. But another question I thought about was. “I wonder what he thinks about when he beats off in the bathroom or shower?” But then I thought well if he’s happy I won’t knock him. But I better not hear he committed suicide because he couldn’t go on living as a gay man!!! Well I see I’ve drifted off topic again.

  Back to knowledge is power – As I read John Shelby Spong’s books, he makes some theories that are based on the current biblical studies and I’ll admit some of the stuff is difficult at first to hear. Like that maybe Jesus was married (oh my did I hear a “Bullshit” half way across the US?!). But if you take it with an OPEN MIND (I know that is hard for many of us) then this knowledge moves you along further that you thought it would. Why couldn’t he have been married? Why would this be such a bad thing? Others are how the gospels were not written Matthew, Mark , Luke and John. Paul was the first to write anything and it was maybe 20 years after Jesus was alive. Then next was Mark and he maybe wrote 30+ years after Jesus walked the earth. Oh, I’ll admit that was a mind blower for me. Then was Matthew, he wrote about Jesus from a Hebrew perspective (when they were written and for who makes a big difference). He copied a lot of Mark. Then Luke, he also copied from Mark but corrected all his error and then some. He wrote about the story of Jesus from a Gentile perspective. Then came John, but I can’t say much here as I haven’t gotten to this chapter. All of this has come from “Rescuing the Bible from Fundamentalism”. I’ve had to reread some of the sections because this was “new meat” to chew on. I could see why some pastors wouldn’t want their congregation reading such a book. I think they are afraid that they might be challenged or that some of the stuff they say might be challenged and shown to be pure crap. Like how the bible supposedly condemns gay, makes women feel unworthy, says it’s ok to beat your kids, etc. Here are the chapters for “The Sins of Scripture, Exposing the Bible’s Texts of Hate to Reveal the God of Love” (2005): The Word of God, (ever chapter after The Word of God starts with “The Bible and..) The Bible and The Environment, Women, Homosexuality, Children, Anti-Semitism, Certainty, Reading Scripture as Epic History. These books contains powerful knowledge that may lead me away from my current church where I couldn’t lead a Jr/Sr High School youth group because they are afraid I might say something positive about being gay. That incident is what lead me to start blogging, yet I haven’t entered a posting about that yet because it hurt. They basically said being gay was like being an alcoholic or having a Type A personality and needed to be controlled and suppressed and on and on, same SHIT, different spin and they did it all with a smile and didn’t verbally condemn me. But I still felt like a worthless piece of crap and soon I’ll be writing a letter containing alot of what I wrote here. Perhaps it will just be a link to my blog and a challenge to go read and see what it feels like from my point of view. After I heard the alcoholic suggestion I tuned them out and kept looking at the fine older business man that was across the way from me. I should have been more forceful, but I just kept nodding my head and saying the occasional ”Uh Huh”. Then after the meeting I went and cried and was mad at myself for setting myself up for what I knew really wasn’t going to happen. 

 I got off topic again, sort of. I’m tired, but it’s so early/late that I won’t be going to bed. But again I keep coming back to knowledge is power. Perhaps the apple in Adam and Eve (2nd creation story, there are two of them) was a big book of Knowledge and to “eat” from it was to read from it. Of course neither happened because this is just a nice myth of how we supposedly came into being. Several “terrible texts”, as John Shelby Spong put it, come from these first few chapters of Genesis.

  I’ve alway wondered about the books that didn’t make it in the bible. Was there a debate and lobbying to get certain books in the bible??? Did it go something like this: “I’ll vote for Mark, if you vote for John. We really don’t want this Mary book because Jesus sounds way too human in it.” Those books mentioned in “The De Vinci Code” (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Da_Vinci_Code), do they exists, are there more of them and why were they not added? 

  KNOWLEDGE IS POWER – When you start to dive into the bible and you find out when a book was written, why, for who it was written, what were they trying to communicate or convey to they people of the time when it was written and if needed what does the original language say. Then a whole another bible pops out, the one below the written text on the page. The bible your pastor may not want you to know. Some churches use Guilt to keep the masses subdued and others use their “power and knowledge” of the bible to keep the masses in line. “I am schooled and I know what is best for you. Don’t read that book, it’s of the devil, Satan, Santa, whatever.” When you start to learn what the pastor knows and perhaps beyond because it’s been 20 years since he went to seminary. Then you start to see some holes in what is being preached on. It’s sad that some people wholly believe everything that their pastor says about the bible and will never look any deeper then what they hear on Sunday morning.

   Knowledge can be used for Good or Evil, how do you use the knowledge that you have???

Pondering – Part 2

  I know, you all want to kill me because I’m such a lazy blogger and now have you waiting for me to finish not one but two previous postings! Well as much as I want to run off and play World of Warcraft tonight (I will end up checking to make sure the long 1.2 GB update did install correctly after I’m done with this posting.)

  I should be writing the conclusion to Pills, Pills and more Pills, but I’m not in the mood to write about pills. But since I’m horny (this is not news because I’m always horny, thanks to testosterone replacement therapy) and this includes sex, well the mention of sex, I’m doing it first. <Grin>

  I currently live in Gilbert, AZ (this is South and East of downtown Phoenix or about 40 miles, give or take) with my dad. I often have to go to Phoenix to visit the Veteran’s Hospital (V.A.). My doctor is located here. I mention this because if you were to drive to the Phoenix V.A. it would take 35/40 mins. depending on the time of day. But if I forget to setup a ride and have to take the bus this journey takes 3 buses and 3 hours to complete. If I have a doctors appointment I can usually set up a call with an agency that will pay for a taxi ride to and from the hospital, but you have to call 24 hours in advance. Most wise people would take full advantage of this offering but as I mentioned I usually have forgotten about my appointments only to remember the night before that I have one. I also forgot to mention that if I have to go in for lab work or x-rays or something that isn’t a doctors appointment. That doesn’t count for a taxi ride and I get to take the bus. So I’ve ridden the bus into Phx. on many of occasions. So when I get to Phx, I’m usually in NO rush (especially if it is some 15 min appointment or something that ends up being short) to turn around and get back on the bus for another 3 hrs. 

  Most gay folks somewhere in there lives have ventured online in the search or friends, partners, FB (that stands for Fuck Buddy – for those that are straight and  don’t know what I’m talking about (like straight folks don’t have FB’s – Right <wink><wink>) Usually a FB is someone you meet to have sex with on a regular/irregular bases. Usually it’s just sex and you don’t really talk about much else. But I’ve seen variations on this theme. But usually if you start to see them more and learn more about them, I think you’ve both moved on to another category. I could be wrong, I’m only speculating. Using some of my own adventures as fodder here. So through various websites I’ve gathered several contacts (alright, fine Tricks (people you usually only see for sex and usually only once – my definition). Sometimes these Tricks are really cool people that you get along with well or you had a really good time at their house, etc. Then the move to the Buddy, Friend, FB or some combination of the afore mentioned groups. Well I have at least one that is in the Friend/FB (almost more the Friends with Benefits since I can always spend the night and that he like to feed me (hehe..in more was then one) category. Every time I go to Phx. I try to visit them. Why you ask? Because sometimes it just the older guy (he had a younger guy living with him but sadly that unknown to me was coming to an end, but that still doesn’t matter) or sometimes it’s him and a few other guys and sometimes it’s many other guys throughout the night. I always have fun there. I can just be …. hmm ….. whatever I feel like being on that day, given situation. The good new is that I was able to visit him, bad news was that he wasn’t feeling so well. So we fooled around a bit and then it was off to bed, but I couldn’t sleep. I should have been crashed out because I was at the Rainsbow’s Festival (this was like Gay Pride, with out the parade and the gate fee to get into the Gay Pride events area – It was free) for most of the day. Eventually I drifted off but I kept waking up. Which was also annoying because I was supposed (notice “supposed”) to walk in the AIDS Walk that was happening the next day, early. Finally I woke back up and decided to get up because I had a bunch of papers, magazines, t-shirts and other junk that I had gathered from the festival. You see all I had was my backpack on my wheelchair and that had clothes and stuff in it for the weekend. The bad part was I popped in a video on the downstairs T.V. (I wonder what kind of video this was, I’ll give you 3 guesses and the first two don’t count.) I was sitting on the couch packing my bags and the next thing I know is it’s 2 hours later, my friend is still asleep and the video is finished. Only thing is I got nothing done, I notice from a flyer that I told my friend the wrong time that the walk was suppose to start. I decide not to make a fuss over the walk and just let him sleep since he wasn’t feeling good the night before. He finally got up not along afterwards. We ate some breakfast and he took me to the bus stop. I was able to watch them coming back from the walk. While I didn’t want to do the walk, I wasn’t real upset because I had gave my donation and the walk/roll in my case is just to bring more awareness to the issue for those who don’t think it is still around or needed anymore.

  Now I usually try to setup two meetings if I possible can. One with my friend and perhaps one with someone new. Well as it is sometimes the case with online services/people, they flake out. This person flaked big time, I had again spent so time at the festival and they basically strung me along until I really was too tired to catch the bus but didn’t want to spend $50 bucks for a hotel. So I chose the in between street and stayed at The Chute. These could be affectionately called an “All Night Men’s Health Spa” (That’s what they called the one in San Jose, CA. That’s why it was still open when most of the one’s called Bath Houses were closed down long ago.) Anyway, call it what ever you want. Here because it was the weekend, you only get a 6 hour window unless you renew for another block of time. Sadly I was so tired and pushed off checking in because of this. By the time I got there it was dead, it’s alway dead when I go or so it seems. That I laid down to watch the video, next thing I realize, poof, its 10 mins before I’m suppose to check out. Oh shit, so much for my shower. So I wasn’t in the best of moods when I finally hopped on the bus to go home. Here I was glad for those free shirts they gave out at the festival. But I was still tired and <cough> horny. Not one of the better weekends, but I have only myself to blame as I gave the 2nd person way more time to try and get ahold of me then I’ve ever given someone in the “new” category. I will never do it again as I ended up spending more money that I had planned on spending. See that’s another reason I try to make the plans ahead of time. This way I can stay over at friends houses, I might get lucky and have some fun and I don’t have to spend a dime on any hotel costs. If I can make it two nights in town, all the better. But I now will yet again change my rules regarding new contacts.

  So there you have it, not quite as juicy as I made it out to be. Sadly one of the worst planned weekends I’ve put together. The best weekend I can’t really write about here because of some of the things I did. If I left one of the main parts out, it wouldn’t flow right. Perhaps later, perhaps not, we will see. 

  I’m sorry it took me so long to get this posted. It’s been collecting dust in my blog innards for a few days. I will try to finish Pills, Pills and more Pills tomorrow. Even if I have a doc appt like I think I might..hehe. Yeah, I think I forgot another one and yes, earlier tonight I was checking to see if I can visit my good friend. 

  P.S. – I forgot to mention that I live on a tight budget because I’m trying to pay off all my bills before I attempt to live on my own again. This is why I live with my dad. I need a job, a car, most of the bills paid off and then some place to live. I usually only have a doc appt or need to go into Phx once a month if I’m lucky. I can’t host (that means I can’t have any overnight guests at my dads house) and I live so far away from the city that NO ONE wants to drive out to Gilbert because we live SO far (Lazy Fuckers) that this really is the only way I get to let my hair down and have some fun. So this is also why I try to make the most out of each visit to Phx.

Pondering

  Do you ever get the urge to just drop off the grid? Just pack up or better yet sell most of what you own and then just wander the world or even just the U.S.? I know a writer, Mark avid Gerson (http://www.markdavidgerson.com/index.html) on Twitter (https://twitter.com/markdavidgerson) who packed up and stored his stuff and is on a journey traveling the US. I had an urge like this once and put it off. Now I’m stuck in a wheelchair, drowning in bills with just SSDI ( need to get off ass and find a part time job) BUT on the other hand I just feel like dropping off the grid. I get this wanderlust ever now and then. It balances with the dream to have a cabin in the woods away from it all. It’s interesting how that changed from having to use a horse to get to the house. To having it “in the woods” but “close” to a larger population (read other gay friend). 

  I went to a festival in Phoenix called the Rainbows Festival (http://www.rainbowsfestival.com/). It was like another gay pride but without the parade and was free to get in. It was fun, but as I was looking the crowds (I love to people watch, ok fine, I was guy watching too) I realized that I didn’t know anyone there! Thousand+ people and here I was alone (yet once again – I so hate doing things alone). This is the problem with living out in Gilbert (Thanks dad) with no car. I so want to live closer and not for the bars. This weekend was the first time I had been in a bar for years. I learned long ago that I wasn’t going to find a partner in a bar. But for the gay bowling leagues, the HIV+ groups, for friends that I don’t have sex with (not knocking this), for community, etc.

  So now I will try harder to get my bills under control and to find a job so that I can crawl out this hole and perhaps do some wandering, exploring the county and meeting new people.

  I’ll tell you all about the rest of my Phoenix trip later today. I just got the urge to write this now, so I took the time to jot down my ramblings.

Pills, Pills and more Pills and how I hate them – Part One

  But even though I hate them, they are keeping me alive, or have helped keep me alive. I’m HIV+, you would know that because you have at least half a brain and have noticed my small “About” on the right side of the screen which after the word “Gay” reads “HIV+” . So after you read those two words combined, if your still here you deserve a kiss today <KISS> (that works for both sexes)(though if your really cute and male you can get that kiss elsewhere). Ok, dredging mind out of the gutter and back on topic to finish this posting.

  I found out I was HIV+ someday back in June 1994, 2 weeks after I found out my partner was also HIV+. I was in his hospital room with his parents and the stupid docs were huddled in the corner near the door talking loudly amongst themselves and not at us about what they were going to say to us when they came out of their huddle. I being closer to them hear HIV (Well when you work with HIV folks, At that day and age hearing a doctor mention HIV and your ass was sick in the hospital, it meant you had HIV) All I could first think of was, “Did his parents here that?” (Hell they were talking so loud the person next door might have heard it!) When I glanced over their eyes were as big as saucers, oh they heard it alright. Then the next thing that floated into my thoughts was, “Hmmm, perhaps I need to go get tested because of more that a few times the condom broke and wasn’t replaced or the never made it on. Caution was thrown to the way side and Yes, I knew better, hell we both knew better. But you never think your going to get it, especially when your younger. I didn’t keep up getting my 3 month testing and I didn’t take him with me. So much we could have done different, oh well, the past is just that PAST! There isn’t a damn thing we can do to change it or fix it, just perhaps try not let it repeat again. Somehow my church didn’t understand that when I said I wanted to talk to the Jr High & High School groups about me being HIV+ and how I hoped through my story no one in those groups would make the same mistake. They thought I wanted to pass out condoms, I sighed and restrained myself verbally. I said no I just want to tell my story, then I was asked if I would have to mention that I was gay. I said I suppose I could leave it out but I think when I go and mention my partner and how HE was in the hospital most of them would put 2 and 2 together and get GAY out of it. Irritated was creeping into my voice. My idea was shot down. But I’m a stubborn person and I’ll keep asking every few months. Because while it may not keep them from using a condom, if I can get just ONE of them to hesitate (Boy or Girl) and think back to that gay guy, what’s his name, in the wheelchair talking about how I can get HIV, STD’s or worst pregnant (boy’s it’s becoming the Baby daddy at 14, 15, 16 or God forbid sooner) and either not have sex or whip out that condom. Then I’d feel it wasn’t all in vain.

  Wow, I got off topic. But I knew when I went to go have the test done that I was HIV+. So after 2 weeks had past I took a nice chocolate cream filled donut from Duncan Donut (you know those powder sugar covered ones Nom Nom <drool>) with me. I left it on the seat of the car because I knew it would be a quick trip. I really had a fight hard when they got all serious and ushered me into the “private” room and the person came in all sad face telling me how sorry they were to tell me I was HIV+, hell I knew that 2 weeks ago. I was just like, “I see, really, wow”. then I asked if the free clinic was still available as I need to see where my CD4 count was at as I think I had been HIV+ for several month. That test came out at a little above 600, which still sucked. Hell I’d give my left nut for half that count today!! I think it slow went in the toilet about a year and a half to two years after that. I then started on AZT, this was after they figure out that huge amounts of the shit was bad for your body. It was a failed chemotherapy drug. What part of Chemotherapy didn’t the doctors understand. It didn’t really bother me, then added was 3TC, which give me splitting headaches until you got used to it. Then they put both pills into one and I started taking just that. Then I found out my doctor was a moron and I quit going to her. Then I switched jobs, said I felt wonderful and that I wasn’t going to take anything anymore. Boy was I stupid.

  Here I am 40 mins of my bad rambling writing and I’m not anywhere close to being done. I hate to do this but I’m going to make this a two parter. I’m just getting started on my nightmare of pills. So before I fall asleep in my chair because I’m trying to get my posting done. I’m going to call it a night and go to bed. I hope I will type out part 2 tomorrow. But it’s payday and I’m horny ad you can tell from previous post that means I might be trying to go to Phoenix to visit my special friends <Grin>! I will try my damnedest to get this written before hand.

Current Book I’m Reading

I decided I wanted to do some in depth reading/studying of the bible, church history or a combination of both. The one I’m currently working on is called “Rescuing the Bible from Fundamentalism: A Bishop Rethinks the Meaning of Scripture” by John Shelby Spong. I read another of his books many years ago titled “Living In Sin? A Bishop Rethinks Human Sexuality”. It was really good. These are written by a straight married man who at the time these books were written was the Episcopal bishop of Newark. 

  The premise of the current book is how to take the bible and lift it out of the prejudices and cultural bias of bygone eras and make it relevant to todays society with a message of hope for ALL people. I forget that when you go to study the bible in depth there can be some tough hurdles to get over for anyone who comes from a Assemblies of God/Pentecostal  background or even some of the mainstream churches. As they believe that the bible is literal, inerrant and/or infallible. (Here is the Wikipedia entry on what inerrant and infallible mean: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Biblical_inerrancy )(Basically inerrant means it’s all true including the science and infallible mean the spiritual parts are true but the science isn’t true).

  I belonged to a church many years back called the United Pentecostal Church (UPC), they didn’t believe in the Trinity (It was just Jesus with 3 titles – I was cool with this), they are very strict in what you could and couldn’t do (I believe some of this has changed but probably much has not – Women don’t cut their hair, don’t wear pants, don’t wear make-up, boys and girls don’t swim together, most homes don’t have TV’s, they were always trying to get me to wear long pants especially when at church and the list goes on). This was also the church that Jim Jones belonged to before he slid of the deep end. I attended this church the last year I was in the Army. This was also the time when I was trying to “Pray myself Straight” (It didn’t/doesn’t work!) (But no one knew this tidbit) I felt like I needed to see if God was leading me to go to a bible college. (He was but for a different reason.) Well I had one all picked out until I got out of the Army and went to visit my grandmother, who has an Assemblies of God background. Well when she found out that it was a UPC college she said I couldn’t go to one of that cult’s college and I was given a booklet that her pastor have given her that explained how you can’t read the bible literal. That some perhaps can be done that way but that lots of it was to be read figuratively. Which I always thought was a HOOT because damn if they don’t read the lines out of the bible literally that they use to say being gay is a sin. What I was getting at is the bible is none of these, it’s not literal, inerrant and/or infallible. The booklet was right in that many areas you are totally missing the point if you read it literal and other places it is written figuratively (Like God having a nose or a finger). Many areas the science is just wrong period and so is certain of the spiritual aspects. BUT if you believe that it is those things, then more power to you. But he shows why it can’t be read literal and why its not inerrant and/or infallible, BUT that doesn’t mean the book is dead. Quite far from it!! He goes on to explain how to make it alive for today and for our generation.  As my church is fond of pointing out that Christianity is one generation away from being no more. I agree because if we can’t make it alive and relevant for ALL people today then it will end up a dead book with a dead religion. 

  Right now I’m learning more about Paul, what he wrote and when he wrote it. I knew that many of the Old Testament book were written out of order or at the same time as the other books. I was amazed at how long they were probably passed on as oral tradition before they were ever written down (several hundred years!) and how there were 3 main revisions of the OT. But what really got me was when the gospels were actual written, which were long after Jesus was gone, probably 30 years for the youngest one. Actually the order of the bible isn’t the order that it was written in, we forget that when we read it, especially if the date the book was written isn’t mentioned in your bible. It is astounding and mind boggling.

  I hope I didn’t really piss anyone off. I just wanted to pass on a little of what I’ve been reading about. I read another book before this one that goes into great detail of what the original languages of the bible really say in the passages used to “bash” us with. But I can’t find it so I will have to pass on the title next time I write here. Take care all I’m off to bed!

Hello World!

  I’m new to blogging, well that is actually a lie. I had a Blogger site several years ago. I think I may have posted to it twice, I would check but I can’t remember any of my log in information and the blog seem to have been erased (Thank Goodness) because if memory serves me right, it was just stupid crap really not worth reading for remembering. 

  It is going to take me a bit to get the hang of this and get this site setup correctly. It’s like setting up a webpage from scratch. I know a little about doing that and even less about tag, categories, etc. But this seems to be a pretty well laid and somewhat self explanatory. I’ve look at a few other sites to see what is on their front page and seen if it would work here or not.

  I have lots to say now. Some will not be to everyone’s liking, you can’t please everyone. I will step on toes with stuff related to being gay and Christian, what the bible REALLY says about homosexuality (my own study with the help of a few authors that will be footnoted later), how I feel about being told I can’t server as a Jr./Sr. Youth Group Leader because I’m gay and so on. You can disagree with me and leave comments saying so. BUT I don’t want them to spiral into Hate Filled CRAP that I May Delete or I may leave it there and just make you look like the stupid idiot that you are. I want details to your argument. Granted mine will suck too as it’s been a long time since my logical thinking class in college. I want something more than just you reading the words out of the bible. Because you are missing what it is Saying. STUDY the original language; did your translators even get the English word correct, did they miss the meaning entirely or did they just guess because they don’t know, who was it written by, when was it written, who was it originally written for and so for!! 

  Whoaaaa Doggies I’ve gotten off track a bit. But the above gives you a little taste as to what is coming.

 Another segment will be on something a fellow Twitter asked me about. He ask what it is like being gay, HIV+ and in a wheelchair as it relates to the sexual and non-sexual aspects of my life. I gave him a few ideas and then said I would have to email him the rest. Then I thought, wow, that would be a great blog entry. So shall it be. 

  It’s 3 in the morning and I’m tired. I will try to post daily. I’m sure I’ll have something to talk (bitch) about. Ah one more things, I will warn you that not all of this site or even the front page will stay PG, it will probably swing R’ish occasionally. Hell, some people think saying gay around there children is R’ish GAY, GAY, GAY, GAY, GAY <POOF> Your son is now gay! Please <sigh>!!

  Anyway I’m off to bed, g’night folks!