Oh My Lord, Have I Not Posted At All This Month?!?

  This is what came to me as I sat down to write this quick entry. Oh I have three different draft entries in the works that if I had finish and posted they would have been sprinkled out nice this month, but I have not finished them and once again it looks like I’ve abandoned my poor blog to the nothingness. Beat me with a leather flogger, oh no wait I’d enjoy that too much!!

  Speaking of leather floggings I attended the Southwest Leather Conference (http://www.southwestleather.org) this past weekend in Phoenix. I had an amazing time! I’ll recap the weekend tomorrow as the late nights and early mornings have caught up with me. I would like to think if I had stayed in the hotel this might not have been the case but then I can only imagine what goes on in the hotel room after the play party is over !! Perhaps next year I will get to find out as I will definitely be staying in the host hotel. I’ll explain in more detail what I’m talking about as well as give a recap of my experiences of the weekend.
  Talk tomorrow, good night all.

  P.S. – I don’t count the posting I did on January 1st because I actually started writing it before midnight, when I finished I had to go back and reword the first sentence to better match when it was actually getting posted. But still even it I did count it, I haven’t posted anything for 26 days!!! Way too long, especially with three haft finished posts stilling in “Draft” status! <grrr to myself>!

Just a Quick Hello

  Howdy All – I’m working on my blog posting that will cover my brief trip to Phoenix. It started out good but Monday went to shit fast. Will talk about Christmas and some of the going ons at my sisters house Christmas Day. It was better than last year but I still felt the same “please don’t touch any of the food, ask someone to get it for you” current floating through the kitchen. What is that phrase, “You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink.” I’ll explain more about what this means tomorrow.

  Off to bed, I haven’t been feeling very well today.

Happy Thanksgiving (for those that celebrate it)!

  Sorry all – I have 3 postings that I need to finish. Three of them in partial state of incompleteness. Sounds just like my life, incomplete. I will try to stay off Plurk (http://www.plurk.com), Twitter (http://twitter.com), email and general wanderings of the web so that I can get some posting done. This is just like working out. If you get off your schedule, Lord knows I didn’t have a good posting schedule to begin with, trying to get back to working out can be amazingly hard to do. There is always some excuse you can tell yourself and they seem to apply to blog writing as well: it’s too late, I’m tired, i want to watch TV/movie/porn/etc instead, I don’t feel like blogging/working out today, I’m going to be out of town (I can’t send posting even thought I on friends computer looking at sex sites) and the list goes on.

  Somewhere I found a site that was going to have a self paced contest that was to challenge you write in your blog everyday. This was to help forge the habit of writing to you blog everyday, even if it was just drool or is that dribble (crap in other words). I’m hoping this is an ongoing challenge as I would like to challenge myself to write in the blog each day. then we would get these 5000 word essays were I drive my point all over the place, get lost 3 times only to have to write a “part 2″ because it 5 a.m. and I’m tired and go to bed. 

  Also I was told about another site that pays you to blog about some said topic and you have 1 or more keywords that you have to include. I say a lovely posting that included the words “intestinal cleanse” and bowel something or another, possible there was more words as well. But these are two things I’m going to look into to help motivate me to post more.

  P.S. – My dad’s cat Izzy seems to not like to have bugs on the ceiling. She will constantly scan the ceiling for suspecting bugs. If one if seen she will vocalize her findings for us. She is quite demanding in that we remove the bug, preferring that we immobilize it so that she can eat the offending critter. I once made a small pencil mark on the wall to install something. She thought it was a bug and almost went nuts chirping and trying to knock it down so that she could save us from it. I was laughing way too hard. I had to erase the mark off the wall because I couldn’t get her to realize it wasn’t a bug. Nice, now she is making my lamp move around the table as the bug has found a light source to circle. Oh gees, there goes some objects off the table onto the floor and I get the look like, “I’m not doing anything wrong, meow/chirp I lost the bug!” “Oh, wait I see it out of the corner of my eye! I got it, no wait that was your nail file.” Cat looks away and walks away from table. Meow, I’m innocent. It was the bugs fault for making me chase it!

  I’m off to bed. I will work hard to get at least one of the posting done. (Yes, I Know, we’ve heard that before) <cough> I hope everyone had a fairly good Thanksgiving. Take care and talk tomorrow.

Yet another long trip to Phoenix or a.k.a Why I Can’t Seem to Follow my Own Trip Itineary

Oh my Gosh!! I have I not posted anything to my blog since Oct 31st! Well strip me and flog me 10 times, wait I might like that too much. If I wasn’t so tired I would finish this tonight. Heck I ate reheated Chinese and sat down to watch Hellboy 2 and my dad noticed me nodding off 10 mins into it. So I’m off to an early 8:30-9 p.m. bedtime by the time everything is said and done. I have much to tell and lots to cover over the next few days.  No trips planned this weekend! 

  Again, I’m sorry. Please check back and I should have this up by early evening at latest! Thanks all. I will be answering any comments as well.

Why I Started This Blog

Do you know why I started this blog, no of course you don’t because I haven’t told you yet. You see this should have been my first posting but I was so mad a furious that I couldn’t really form my diatribe into something that I could type out on this page. Oh how I wish my iListen program was working correctly. It would make this so much easier, then again maybe not as I remember how shitty a job it did for me. I need to retrain it. Anyway, I formed this blog because I wanted to truly wanted to help out with the youth groups at my church. Either the Junior or Senior High kids, it didn’t really matter. One I wanted to help because they needed help, a lot of help and Two because I felt that if another church member can out and said he or she was gay or lesbian I felt it would be a youth member before another adult member. Well things were humming along until the pastor asked me if I had told the youth pastor about me being gay. “Oh, no”, I thought, I knew things were going too good to be true. He mentioned that if I didn’t say anything that he would have to mention it. So I ask if me being gay would have any ramifications as to be helping out with the kids. You see I had set myself up for a hard fall with out even thinking about it. Here I thought our “Real Life” (the name of the church) might actually be ok with someone being gay as long as the kids were aware of it. Like, “Hey, I’m gay but that is only a small part of my life and that really isn’t anyone business unless you want it to be. But that will not effect my being able to teach you and from us learning about the bible together.” What the fuck was I thinking of!!?? As soon as I mentioned to the youth pastor that I was gay, he said he didn’t know that and that we needed to meet and talk things over about me helping out. This happen on our big get together night for both Junior and Senior kids. Here I am saying I might be one of there leaders, knowing that I will not be one of the team leaders.

  So off to the meeting at the coffee shop. Three guess and the first two don’t count as to what I was told. Yeah, congratulations, I was told that I couldn’t be a team leader or a leader of anything for that matter because, you know, that your gay. Oh yes and that I might say something good about being gay. My what could I say that is good about being shit on all the time by the church you trust. If I was asked, I wasn’t going to lie, but I would tell them what to expect and that it is not a bed of roses and it’s not like that , “I Kissed a Girl” song either. That it is tough and that you will be discriminated against by your own church and by people you thought that you could love and trust. I’ve  saw it and felt it first hand at the last church I was at. This church we push how REAL we are at REAL LIFE! But unfortunately real church leaks through when one takes the bible literal and thinks its inerrant when it really is NEITHER!! I had a lovely meeting with the youth pastor and church pastor. I started to hear the same shit, but this time with a different spin and a smile!! I hate to say but I tuned them out when my sexuality was equated with alcoholism, Type A personality and other thing that are to be quelled and controlled. Oh Gee, are you going to QUELL and CONTROL your sexuality?!?! No, of course not because you can get married and enjoy the 1136 rights that a married couple are entitled to via state and federal laws. You can reproduce until you have some many children you are wondering how to feed them all. But when some same-sex couples suggest that they too would like to get married all hell break loose. You can keep your fucking word MARRIAGE, because all it houses is a 50% chance that your “sanctimonious” marriage, performed by Elvis at the Drive-Thru wedding chapel in Las Vegas, is going to end in DIVORCE!! I’ll take union or joining or something else and you can stick marriage where the sun doesn’t shine!! For the longest time people like to throw out how we are such sluts and do nothing but run around and get laid (wish I was that way, HA). We all know people like this but that isn’t the point. The point is here we have couples that WANT to say together. That there are people how have possibly been together for several years or several decades. But mention that you want to get married and the shit hits the fan! I’ve gotten off topic but this is another one that chaffs my britches! Do you know that both sides of the Prop 8 have spent a combined total of over 50 MILLION dollars toward the NO/YES on the stupid marriage amendment. Plus GOD only knows how many man/women hours wasted, YES WASTED on this piece of shit amendment (and Arizona is that far behind with it’s stupid Prop 102). SAVE MARRIAGE, is the cry from the Yes’ers. Save Marriage, what a fucking joke, as 50% of all marriages end in divorce. Plus they have ads talking about how kids with a mom and dad do better than kids with just one parent, HUH?! You have to have two people to get married. They must mean that a kid with two moms or two dads is going to get into all this trouble because the other sex isn’t in the picture. What the hell do they know, we might have Mrs/Mr Butch and  Mrs/Mr Feminine or they might both be butch or feminine but I bet they have lots of friends that will fill in the role of mom/dad or what ever. Those fucking arrogant sons of bitches, all they spew is BULLSHIT, FEAR AND HATE!!! Just Google Prop 8 or Prop 102 and read some of the CRAP they have put out. Damn, they could take that 50 million and put it to some good use elsewhere. Maybe even classes on how to work through your problems when married so at the first sign of trouble you don’t jump on the divorce ship and sail off to the “I took the easy way out” island. 

  Alright, back to my original topic of basically being told that as long as I proclaim I’m gay I will never be a team leader. But hey we are NOT judging you. Oh, of course your not. Well at least I didn’t get to hear the 7 or so verses and the pastors interpretation of those scriptures like I had to go through at my last church when I said I wanted to join so that I could voice my opinion as to the fate of the $26,000 that belonged to us. That was a real joy. But this really wasn’t any better, because it was the same theme, sugar coated with a smile. They both lead to  nowhere, limbo in a church that I really like. 

  Yes, why don’t I go to a gay church where I can serve openly and with out hassle. Well because those churches are in Phoenix and with out a car it makes getting to them a very long 3 hour bus ride, one way. We will attend them in due time. But currently I enjoyed my “No on 102 Again…” www.votenoprop102.com signs and button that I wore during our one year celebration last Sunday. Some people actually asked me about them and a friend and I got into a conversation about why it would be bad if Gays and Lesbian got married. It was enjoyable as I heard that churches would be forced to marry people that they didn’t want to. I would be against that, I don’t want anyone to force a church to marry my man and I. if that ever come about. I don’t want your hate clouding my happy day. I’ll find a church that does want to marry. Then I heard how people would be force to do thing they didn’t want to do, HUH? Oh, the New Mexico Christian that got sued for discrimination (This is a big Christian based site, not that we are all bad, but just a warning on the slant of the article about the suit: http://www.cbn.com/CBNnews/357084.aspx) I’ve read alot of sites and the current New Mexico Human Rights Act. This is something that she should have know as she was advertising a goods and service that fell under the Act. I found it interesting that the letter that didn’t mention a same-sex wedding she was all gung-ho to do it but the letter that did mention it was a flat out denial. If it were I, I would have probably sent back a harshly worded letter about I wasn’t hiring her religion to take the pictures I was hiring her. What she should have done if she didn’t want to do the pictures was subcontracted it out to someone else, had them take the pictures and then give her all the pictures and negatives and she would have been a few hundred richer instead of $7000 poorer.   

  You see, everyone assumes that you are heterosexual until you tell them other wise. I could have never spoke with the pastor about me being gay and never mention it to the youth pastor. I could have been yet another in the closet Christian. If I had did that, then most likely I would be a team leader right now with one of the youth groups! But because I don’t want to be a closet gay Christian, I wanted no secrets and I wanted to see the position of the pastor. Which after our meeting I felt was saying that he still followed the usual bible path until someone shows him differently. In other words he was open to dialog about how these text maybe interpreted wrong. That is what I’m currently working on. How to present a case of how these 6/7 texts are interpreted wrong. 

  I’m off to bed, I lied, I’m off to play a little World of Warcraft. This is the bad thing of working out late. Either it helps you sleep or it keeps me awake. This was more inspiration from the bathroom. <G>

  IF YOU LIVE IN CALIFORNIA OR ARIZONA, PLEASE VOTE NO ON PROP 8 OR PROP 102!!! THANKS

Depressed or Honest, I Really Haven’t Forgotten About My Blog

Sorry folks, I’ve just been a bit depressed this last week and having a hard time focusing on anything, be it not sleeping all day or even trying to play World of Warcraft late at night. I seem to go in these up and down mood swings lately. I think they are tied into being so far in debt that I just want to send all my creditor’s a picture of my middle finger and then drop off the face of the earth. But since I’d like to have some sort of credit rating again I suppose that wouldn’t work very well. Being trying to work with Vocational Rehabilitation but they are slow as a one legged clown in a ass kicking contest, or something like this. I’m about ready to fire them and try a different service. Damn, I’ve been putting off getting a part time job in the hope that they could improve my skills so that I can get a job that I want to keep and that will pay decent. There are just so many ways one can spin the fact that I haven’t worked in over 7 years. 

  Please keep me in your prayers, thoughts or whatever. I can need all the help you can give me. Thanks. Keep checking back, I’ll have something new up soon other than this.  Thanks again!

Pondering – Part 2

  I know, you all want to kill me because I’m such a lazy blogger and now have you waiting for me to finish not one but two previous postings! Well as much as I want to run off and play World of Warcraft tonight (I will end up checking to make sure the long 1.2 GB update did install correctly after I’m done with this posting.)

  I should be writing the conclusion to Pills, Pills and more Pills, but I’m not in the mood to write about pills. But since I’m horny (this is not news because I’m always horny, thanks to testosterone replacement therapy) and this includes sex, well the mention of sex, I’m doing it first. <Grin>

  I currently live in Gilbert, AZ (this is South and East of downtown Phoenix or about 40 miles, give or take) with my dad. I often have to go to Phoenix to visit the Veteran’s Hospital (V.A.). My doctor is located here. I mention this because if you were to drive to the Phoenix V.A. it would take 35/40 mins. depending on the time of day. But if I forget to setup a ride and have to take the bus this journey takes 3 buses and 3 hours to complete. If I have a doctors appointment I can usually set up a call with an agency that will pay for a taxi ride to and from the hospital, but you have to call 24 hours in advance. Most wise people would take full advantage of this offering but as I mentioned I usually have forgotten about my appointments only to remember the night before that I have one. I also forgot to mention that if I have to go in for lab work or x-rays or something that isn’t a doctors appointment. That doesn’t count for a taxi ride and I get to take the bus. So I’ve ridden the bus into Phx. on many of occasions. So when I get to Phx, I’m usually in NO rush (especially if it is some 15 min appointment or something that ends up being short) to turn around and get back on the bus for another 3 hrs. 

  Most gay folks somewhere in there lives have ventured online in the search or friends, partners, FB (that stands for Fuck Buddy – for those that are straight and  don’t know what I’m talking about (like straight folks don’t have FB’s – Right <wink><wink>) Usually a FB is someone you meet to have sex with on a regular/irregular bases. Usually it’s just sex and you don’t really talk about much else. But I’ve seen variations on this theme. But usually if you start to see them more and learn more about them, I think you’ve both moved on to another category. I could be wrong, I’m only speculating. Using some of my own adventures as fodder here. So through various websites I’ve gathered several contacts (alright, fine Tricks (people you usually only see for sex and usually only once – my definition). Sometimes these Tricks are really cool people that you get along with well or you had a really good time at their house, etc. Then the move to the Buddy, Friend, FB or some combination of the afore mentioned groups. Well I have at least one that is in the Friend/FB (almost more the Friends with Benefits since I can always spend the night and that he like to feed me (hehe..in more was then one) category. Every time I go to Phx. I try to visit them. Why you ask? Because sometimes it just the older guy (he had a younger guy living with him but sadly that unknown to me was coming to an end, but that still doesn’t matter) or sometimes it’s him and a few other guys and sometimes it’s many other guys throughout the night. I always have fun there. I can just be …. hmm ….. whatever I feel like being on that day, given situation. The good new is that I was able to visit him, bad news was that he wasn’t feeling so well. So we fooled around a bit and then it was off to bed, but I couldn’t sleep. I should have been crashed out because I was at the Rainsbow’s Festival (this was like Gay Pride, with out the parade and the gate fee to get into the Gay Pride events area – It was free) for most of the day. Eventually I drifted off but I kept waking up. Which was also annoying because I was supposed (notice “supposed”) to walk in the AIDS Walk that was happening the next day, early. Finally I woke back up and decided to get up because I had a bunch of papers, magazines, t-shirts and other junk that I had gathered from the festival. You see all I had was my backpack on my wheelchair and that had clothes and stuff in it for the weekend. The bad part was I popped in a video on the downstairs T.V. (I wonder what kind of video this was, I’ll give you 3 guesses and the first two don’t count.) I was sitting on the couch packing my bags and the next thing I know is it’s 2 hours later, my friend is still asleep and the video is finished. Only thing is I got nothing done, I notice from a flyer that I told my friend the wrong time that the walk was suppose to start. I decide not to make a fuss over the walk and just let him sleep since he wasn’t feeling good the night before. He finally got up not along afterwards. We ate some breakfast and he took me to the bus stop. I was able to watch them coming back from the walk. While I didn’t want to do the walk, I wasn’t real upset because I had gave my donation and the walk/roll in my case is just to bring more awareness to the issue for those who don’t think it is still around or needed anymore.

  Now I usually try to setup two meetings if I possible can. One with my friend and perhaps one with someone new. Well as it is sometimes the case with online services/people, they flake out. This person flaked big time, I had again spent so time at the festival and they basically strung me along until I really was too tired to catch the bus but didn’t want to spend $50 bucks for a hotel. So I chose the in between street and stayed at The Chute. These could be affectionately called an “All Night Men’s Health Spa” (That’s what they called the one in San Jose, CA. That’s why it was still open when most of the one’s called Bath Houses were closed down long ago.) Anyway, call it what ever you want. Here because it was the weekend, you only get a 6 hour window unless you renew for another block of time. Sadly I was so tired and pushed off checking in because of this. By the time I got there it was dead, it’s alway dead when I go or so it seems. That I laid down to watch the video, next thing I realize, poof, its 10 mins before I’m suppose to check out. Oh shit, so much for my shower. So I wasn’t in the best of moods when I finally hopped on the bus to go home. Here I was glad for those free shirts they gave out at the festival. But I was still tired and <cough> horny. Not one of the better weekends, but I have only myself to blame as I gave the 2nd person way more time to try and get ahold of me then I’ve ever given someone in the “new” category. I will never do it again as I ended up spending more money that I had planned on spending. See that’s another reason I try to make the plans ahead of time. This way I can stay over at friends houses, I might get lucky and have some fun and I don’t have to spend a dime on any hotel costs. If I can make it two nights in town, all the better. But I now will yet again change my rules regarding new contacts.

  So there you have it, not quite as juicy as I made it out to be. Sadly one of the worst planned weekends I’ve put together. The best weekend I can’t really write about here because of some of the things I did. If I left one of the main parts out, it wouldn’t flow right. Perhaps later, perhaps not, we will see. 

  I’m sorry it took me so long to get this posted. It’s been collecting dust in my blog innards for a few days. I will try to finish Pills, Pills and more Pills tomorrow. Even if I have a doc appt like I think I might..hehe. Yeah, I think I forgot another one and yes, earlier tonight I was checking to see if I can visit my good friend. 

  P.S. – I forgot to mention that I live on a tight budget because I’m trying to pay off all my bills before I attempt to live on my own again. This is why I live with my dad. I need a job, a car, most of the bills paid off and then some place to live. I usually only have a doc appt or need to go into Phx once a month if I’m lucky. I can’t host (that means I can’t have any overnight guests at my dads house) and I live so far away from the city that NO ONE wants to drive out to Gilbert because we live SO far (Lazy Fuckers) that this really is the only way I get to let my hair down and have some fun. So this is also why I try to make the most out of each visit to Phx.

Behind in Postings

  Here I’m doing the one thing I didn’t want to do with this blog and that is get behind in my postings. I made a promise to myself to at least post once a day and have at least 100 words. I had a great idea for Sunday (WHY?!) and Monday I was going to expound on what another Twitter friend blogged about on his blog, World of Scott Mindeaux (http://www.scottmindeaux.com/wordpress/). Scott was explaining how as much as he loves all his online social friends he really could use more real life, LOCAL friends. I wrote on Twitter and his blog on how I could understand how he felt, because I’ve feel/felt the exact same thing being stuck out here in Gilbert, AZ with no car.

  If we were not going to visit my dads sister (my aunt) in Casa Grande tomorrow morning I’d be working on these posts. So just know and be on the look out for these two posts. Oh damn, I just remembered another one that I’m suppose to be working one to post and send someone; its on what it is like to be gay,HIV+ and  handicap. So that is 3 future blog postings, I could say 4 sense I need to make a better “About Me” entry. 

  So it looks like I got my work cut out for me. Perhaps I’ll be writing out the blog entries so that when I get home tomorrow all I’d have to do is type them in here.

Learning Experience

  I’m sorry, I’m still new at blogging, it seems to be this on going learning experience. I sure wish I had kept up with my original Blogger blog, then maybe I would have this down pat. But I just simply hate the way the ping.fm entries looked on my blog. I thought it would be cool but I was wrong, it looked like shit. It is best suited for general postings to social sites and not blogs or not my blog. Don’t get my wrong, I still use the service for general posts to my social sites. I’m just going to stop it from posting anything to here. 

  I am hoping I can find a widget that I can add to my blog to show the updates to Twitter. That would be much better than all those one line entries I had on my blog page. They are gone now. Of course a few of the other blog posts probably will not make any sense, oh well, they will if you keep reading. 

  So much for me thinking this was going to be an easy task, ha!